To much time on my hands

So here I am sitting at the computer, at some random early morning hour in Iraq trying to put my life at this point into prospective. Which I have discovered is very complicated. First and formost I am currently questioning my deployment in Iraq. I am sitting inside a hospital, that for many years (6 to be exact) has been labeled as one of the busiest hospitals in Iraq. We are the hub of business so to speak, yet I am bored out of my mind. I am a nurse, and a busy body, and well neither is very happy about the situation. For being a busy hospital this is really sad. There are a whole 2 patients in the whole hospital right at this very moment, and there are 7 nurses on the floor, so I not having a patient has nothing but time. Time is a bad thing in this enviroment, it opens the mind up to wander the halls of "what ifs" and hover in the doorways of "shoulda, coulda woulda". So that is what I am currently suffering from. My mind skips from wondering what my husband and family are doing at home to I hope they still remember me to I bet there is someone they love more. It is honestly horrible. I have had the unpleasent time to re evaluate my life and see where I have really screwed up. I always thought that the saying "hind sight is always 20/20" was wrong, but now I too believe in it. I see all the mistakes that I have made in my life and wonder why people that I have managed to some how keep in my life stay there with all the mistakes that I have made. A normal person would have walked away. I look at my marriage and wonder at times why my husband has not left yet. I cannot believe what a jerk I have been. How unthoughtful, selfish and uncaring I have been towards him. Especially over the last few years of our marriage. Then there is the relationship with my children. I have let that suffer as I have let work consume my life. What kind of parent am I? What parent places thier job above their child? A child is there forever as your child, a job could be gone in an instant. I love my children, and yet I have brushed them to the curb. I have taught them nothing, except that benifits and money are more important then family. I really am a horrible person. Then there is dealing with my daughter's sperm donor. Although after all the refelection that I have had time to make I am not sure that I can call him that. He does nothing but lie to his daughter. He doesn't support her finacially, he doesn't try to spend extra time with her, and heaven forbid he call her more then every couple of months when it is not his time for visitation, but yet my daughter loves him. Sometimes I feel like she loves him more then me. Which it hurts. I am the one that works to put clothes on her back, food in her stomach, and pays for all the activities that she likes to participate in. We go places and we do alot of things, but she acts like she loves him more, when he can do nothing for her. I never understood why she felt that way, but now I think I understand. He acts as a friend, not a parent. He spends time with her, they just hang out. Maybe that is where I am going wrong. I always put off playing with her because I was so tired from work. I use to sit with her and help with her homework, but now that she is older she doesn't need my help. I guess that I don't hang out with her because my parents never hung out with me. But that is not a good enough excuse. I need to spend more time with Destiny, Aaron and Zackery. I even worry about the boys. They act as if they don't care that I am gone. actually all three of them seem oblivous to the fact that I am gone. Sure, Destiny and Aaron cried at the airport the day that I flew out for this deployment, but since then I barely get an I miss you or I love you out of them. I wish I understood how they were acting, to make sure I was not mis reading it, but I can't say that I understand. They are my babies and I want to be with them more then ever. I feel like such an outsider to them right now. Even with Eddie I feel the same way right now. I feel like I am more of an inconvience then anything. Everytime I try to talk to them they are busy and virtually have no time for me. Maybe I am trying to hard, but they are my family, my comfort zone, and this whole thing just really hurts. I hate to feel like I am bothering anyone, and right now I feel like I am a nusiance to my own family. I am not sure if this is a normal thing or if I am blowing it out of proportion, but either way this just hurts. I know that someday I am going to be an outsider because they are going to have their own families and jobs and things to do, but that time is so far away, and this is still Mommy time for me, and it just hurts. I want to tell them that it hurts, I want to scream at them and let them know I am hurting, but I really don't think that they will care. No one else does, so why should they?
Then there is the whole issue of the sperm donor. He wants to keep my beautiful daughter from summer til I return from my current deployment, and I am not sure how I feel about that. Based upon his history I am very scared to allow MY daughter to stay with him. He will not be able to give her the things that she enjoys, and he is straight stupid. The guy barely passed high school. Luckly MY daughter is extremely smart. I am afraid that he is going to screw that up. I have worked hard to foster in her the importance of her education and I have no desire to allow him to mess that up. Yet MY daughter has this fairy tale idea that he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Sometimes I think that she should live with him to find out that he is not everything that he promises her that he is. But I am not sure that I want to make her suffer like that either. My hands are tied I guess.
I have also come to realize that my faith is extremely weak, I pray only when I need something. I try to run my life on my own and make my own decisions with no guidance or direction or purpose. I become strong headed and believe that I can do this all on my own, and, well, I have realized I can't. I know that I need to start over with God, but I am in the middle of a "warzone" and I have no idea how to go about doing it. I know that if I could just put my life in his hands and let him control it that the stress that I feel would go away. I just have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time admitting that He needs to be in control of my life. It is like trying to let go of my responsibilities as a mother and a wife and let my husband run things while I am here. I just can't seem to do it. I know that God is there and I know that I am suppose to believe that He is there to help me, that I just have to let him, but it is hard when He is not tangible. It is hard to put faith into someone that I cannot talk too, or see, but has left books and guidlinesfor how one should live. I watch others and how easy it is to live their faith everyday, and I just don't understand how they do it. I want to, but I have no idea how to do it.
So many questions, to much time, and there seems to be nothing that I can do about any of it.