So here I sit in the middle of no where Iraq. I have had so much time to think, relive every mistake, and day dream about what I want when I leave this place. As much as I hate to say it I think that God had a plan for me when he sent me here.
When I left Hawaii I was coming here for the glory. I wanted to be among to touch peoples lives, save them from certain death, and have families thankful for what I had done for their loved ones. I wanted to be all "HOOAH!" as we in the Army put it. When I actually hit ground here the reality that I was here, in Iraq, and that the news had lied hit me. I realized that I was not going to accomplish what I had set out to do when I got here, because it was all based upon lies. However I may have, just not the way that I wanted.
I am a nurse. Being a nurse that means that you are caring for people, patients everyday. I remember the wonderful days of being a NICU nurse and having the chance to snuggle up to those beautiful babies and know that I was helping them grow, and eventually giving them the chance to go home. But this is a whole different situation. Although the more I think about it, the more gradifing it really is. I care for patients, and they are apperiative for what I have done. They may not be able to tell me in English, but I can read it on their faces, and they tell it to the interperters. I am there for these patients when it seems like their whole world is crashing down around them. They may be sick, or injured, but they are more concerned about being with their buddies then laid up in a hospital somewhere. I spend alot of time reminding my patients that they have to get better before they are of any use fighting with their buddies, it seems to help. In knowing that it helps them, it helps me understand why I am here a little bit more. It is not always about the blood and guts of war, it is about the small things, like the flu, dehydration, and gallstones too. These are all things that I would have neverr considered to be apart of war prior to this experience. Honestly until today, and well yesterday too I don't think that I would have ever thought about it.
Yesterday, as many know was a high stress day for me. I had to appear in front of a board and compete for the NCO of the Month. Something that I never pictured myself doing. I tried a time or two as a young Specialist, and when I got shot down I quit. My thoughts being "Who needs the stupid title anyway?" But yesterday changed that. Yesterday I BECAME the NCO of the Month. Finally a reward for all the long hours and tears that I had put in meant something. Finally there was a glimmer of hope, that this was not just a waste of a year away from my family. Finally some proof, that yes, maybe I can be a real soldier. Crazy but true. Something so small can cause such a distinct change in a person's life.
Then there was my epihany today. To my amazment I was given the day off, I guess because I won yesterday. I wasn't really sure, but I was not going to say no to a chance to not have to go to work. So after I went to chow, I decided I needed to do some birthday shopping. MY cousin, who is the closest person to me (besides the hubby of course) has a birthday coming up. In a week. I feel like an ass because I just bought his gifts today and there is no way that I can get them to him before his birthday, but I hope he understands. Either way I was walking to the the PX, and as I was walking I watched the sand in front of me swirling, and then there was the wall. It was the craziest thing I had ever seen. One minute it was a hazy, the next as I stepped through the wall of sand, was full of sand. In a matter of second I went from being able to see 500 feet in front of me to 6 feet in front of me. It was crazy, but it brrought everything into prrospective. I realized that I had been living in the 6 foot radius in front of me....not paying attention to what was 500 feet in front of me. I wonder how many oppertunities I missed...had I looked ahead and paid attention to what was 500 feet out in front would I have made a diffrent decision? It is kinda crazy what a wall of sand at the beginning of a sand storm will teach you. So with this new realization I think that things are beginning to fall into place. I am not the bad soldier that I had let someone else teach me to believe. I am not that bad of a leader either. I wish that I had known this sooner. I wish that I could have used my talents and knowledge more. Now is the time to rectify what I have let go for to long. Not only on a personal level, but as a leader as well. I never pictured myself as a strong leader, but maybe I am wrong. I also never pictured myself in Iraq, let alone the NCO of the Month. Maybe there is more to me as a person that I just never realized. Just maybe.
The more that I sit and pour out my thoughts the more I begin to realize. I am so grateful to have all the people that I have in my life. I am so grateful to have God in my life. I know that I do not have a strong bond with Him, but yet He is there when I need Him the most. HE knows when I need a hand to steady me, when I need a shoulder to cry on, and when I just need to vent. He provides those avenues for me. Even thugh He has sent me to the desert it was for a purpose. I am not sure what it is yet, but I am grateful that I have been given this oppertunity. Although I am not sure why really. I am not going to fight it, not now, I am going to embrace it. What more can I do? I never thought that I would come to this point in my life. i think that I am finally coming to a point to where I am can begin to turn myself and my life over to God, maybe there is a way for me to be ok without having to be in control of my life. I am getting closer everyday to seeing how Great God really is, and that He reallyc an take care of me. Even when I do not ask for it. By far I do not deserve it, but I am willing to accept it. I just hope that I can fulfill what He is hoping that I will by being out here in the middle of this place. All I can do is hope, and pray for understanding and guidance.
I never thought that is would happen...I never thought that I would find myself.
11 years ago
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