From the depths

The last few days have been rough. I have been struggling. I have not really been struggling with work or home or family, but with my feelings. Not two days ago an aquaintance/friend of mine was killed in an accident of his own doing. At first I was upset with him for being such an idiot and putting himself in the situation, and then I stood back and I thought "It doesn't suprise me he was always a little crazy." Which in most cases that is where it would end. But for some reason not with this case. It continues to eat at me. I worry about things that are out of my control, like what is his family going to do? How are they going to cover the cost? Do they even know yet. It is crazy really cause I was not that close to this person these are things that I would not normally concern myself with. But for one reason or another I am. I really don't understand it cause if the shoe was on the other foot he would have never batted an eyelid if it was me. I asked God why I am feeling this way and yet I get no answer. i just don't understand.
In my short time in the military I have lost 4 maybe 5 friends, be it to the war or the own stupidity, and sure I was sad, but I was never left wondering how I am suppose to feel. It is kind of odd really. There was a time that I watched soldier after soldier fight to become a normal human when they started out as nothing but a lump of flesh after an IED explosion, and yet I felt nothing like this. When I lost my brother-in-law whom I never meant I cried, but then I was ok after the fact. This is all so odd and new to me that I am not sure how to feel.
It is coming up on Christmas, a happy and wonderful time of the year, but here I sit, with the holiday blues so to speak. I feel like I have an impeding doom awaiting me on my next adventure. I should be excited to go home and visit family and friends that I have not seen in over a year, but I am not sure that I want too. That only puts me one step closer to my fate. The unknown. A year of being alone, with the blood and carnage of war and watching my fellow brother and sister fight for survival out in the desert while I sit behind the "wire" and wait. Wait for that next explosion, that next IED that will bring more casualities, or maybe a friend and I will be left with their life in my hands to care for and help them fight to get better, so they can get home to their family and friends. What kind of soldier am I? Waiting like a caged animal behind that "wire" that keeps me for the most part safe. Why must my fellow brother and sister put themselves in those situations? Why are they not chosen to stay safe while I go to replace them on those front lines? Don't they deserve a break? What makes me different then them? We have the same training for the most part and can accomplish the same mission, but yet I am destined to sit as a caged animal would and wait, wait for that day of freedom. But I am not sure what that freedom will bring. Am I going to return home, normal to the naked eye, and not right in the head? Or am I going to join those that I once cared for, a lump of flesh fighting to become human once more? Or is there that chance that I could leave my children with out a mother and come home as my brother in law did? These thoughts lay heavy on my soul, and I can get no relief? I ask God for guidance, and yet I cannot hear him? Is it me? Did I anger him in some way? Am I listening to hard? Have I strayed to far from Him? What about my beautiful children, don't they deserve to know what the fate of their mother is going to be?
With that note, I must now close for today.